'What I desire is more taxpayer-funded sizzle reels': Inside the thoughts of the Liberals' fake Canadian

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This week, Foreign Affairs Minister Mélanie Joly released a high-production “trailer” for the upcoming federal budget. Ministers of the Crown do not typically prepare sizzle reels to hype upcoming budget announcements, but Joly’s video asserted that they were merely responding to the requests of an enthusiastic constituent. “I wish Budget 2024 had a trailer so Canadians could know what we’re getting into,” reads a social media post by one Amy Sminson featured at the video’s outset.

But there is no Amy Sminson, and there’s definitely no Canadians braying for “trailers” to explain the federal budget. Sminson isn’t even a real surname; the national White Pages don’t yield a single Canadian Sminson. Joly’s office admitted all of this to National Post, but said Sminson was created for “artistic effect.”

In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of the fake Canadian woman that Mélanie Joly made up.

Monday

I awake to greet another perfect day as a citizen of Canada. The streets are safe. Health care is accessible. Food is plentiful and affordable. My children’s various identities are catered to by a public school system that prioritizes affirmative care. My aging parents are assured the dignity of MAID at the moment of their choosing.

We are a light to the world under the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada. But amid this abundance there is only one thing I crave: increased government communications. High-production explanations of new budgetary allotments. Official commemorations of every conceivable religious holiday. Bullet-pointed backgrounders of new programs. Amid so much governmental innovation, I insist on being granted a front row seat.

Tuesday

My schedule is once again packed full of opportunities to access life-enriching benefits granted to me by a federal government that has my best interests at heart. After I drop off my primary offspring at a $10/day daycare for which I was easily able to secure a spot, I will select from a variety of carbon-neutral transportation options in order to enable my second offspring to undergo a checkup covered by the Canada Dental Benefit.

Truth be told, there are days when I wished I was First Nations so that I could also enjoy the benefits afforded by the Liberals’ bold plan to eliminate all long-term drinking water advisories by 2025.

But a thought occurs to me: What if it is time for new leadership? While Justin Trudeau has accomplished more in his nine years than ever thought possible, perhaps it is time to pass the torch to a new visionary. This can only be the Honourable Mélanie Joly. In a Liberal cabinet overwhelmed with talent and insight, it is clear that she stands head and shoulders above the rest.

Wednesday

While I am merely a humble resident of [ONTARIO/QUEBEC COMMUNITY OF MORE THAN 300,000], I take a strong interest in world affairs and how they relate to my own lived experience. So I am of course grateful for the principled global leadership of Minister of Foreign Affairs Mélanie Joly.

I shudder to think of the intellectual deficit that would result if not for Joly’s consistent and brave defence of the rules-based international order, and her willingness to steer diplomatic policy based on the vox populi of TikTok or Instagram. The future lies not in conflict, antagonism or ethics. It lies in equivocation, relativism and a staunch refusal to recognize context.

If there is one doubt in my conviction that Joly must be our next prime minister, it is the danger of entrusting Global Affairs to a figure of necessarily diminished abilities. What challenges may go unmet, what crises unsolved if Joly’s talents are to be diverted elsewhere?

Thursday

While I would like to think that my fellow Canadians share my informed and evidence-based view of our current situation, it is increasingly clear that their views have become corrupted by populist misinformation. While I once took great comfort that an international border separated me from the politics of Donald Trump, I must now awake to the realization that even Canada has not proved immune from the insidious rhetoric of the American far-right.

Every day brings a new wave of harmful disinformation into the national discourse: “I can’t afford rent.” “The playground is filled with meth pipes.” “My father died from strep throat in a hospital waiting room.” I only hope these cynical partisan talking points can be suppressed before they succeed in threatening the integrity of our next election.

Friday

I have a recurring nightmare in which I find myself in an alternative timeline that is unrecognizable to the Canada I know and love. It is a 2024 where Justin Trudeau has avoided politics and remained a high school teacher. Where Mélanie Joly pressed forward with a career in insolvency law rather than taking an interest in government.

The result is too horrifying to detail here, but in most versions my entire family has either died from insufficient safe consumption resources, or they’ve succumbed to the effects of having no access to the Canada Child Benefit. Far-right groups have been allowed to capture academia, the medical establishment and most of the non-profit sphere. Pride parades are still flying the regressive, un-inclusive rainbow flag, and the mere uttering of nonbinary pronouns yields only confusion. When the dream sees me inevitably consumed by GHG-accelerated wildfires, I must admit I see it as sweet relief.