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25 sexual things to know before Christmas (II)

funmi-akingbade-new

Funmi Akingbade

Funmi Akingbade

Six: Never forget that sex is an integral part of the union, sex most be prioritized at all times. Nothing binds couples together more than sexual activities either subtly or obviously carried out.  At some point in marriages, many couples cease to attach as much importance to sex as they used to do. To them, sex becomes a mere obligation, not the exciting experience that it is meant to be. It really does feel frustrating when spouses can no longer keep the fire in their sex lives aglow. But the truth of the matter is that the human sexuality continues to develop and reveal new information on a regular basis. This development or the resulting information is sometimes based on the couple’s personal traits, exposure and beliefs.

Do you know that initiating sexual intercourse is not the only way to express how much you desire your partner? Although 80 percent of married couples report that the husband wants sex more than the wife, this may be a twisted number, partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us on the average think of sexual desire as hunger for sex, which is often accompanied with sexual fantasies that prompt us to initiate sex.

It turns out, however, that most women experience a friendly and affectionate type of sexual desire. Research confirms that for many women, desire is ‘triggered’ by thoughts and emotional recollection of past events or sexual arousal. So, when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him sexually and he believes that she has no interest in sex because she does not do that, he is actually not giving her enough credit! Most women will respond positively to sexual advances especially when romance, tenderness, loving gesture and care is in the air.

Since our culture defines sexual desire as that initiating or seeking behaviour, we don‘t identify a women’s receptivity as desire. But men and women (usually) respond to different types of sexual stimuli and approach their sexuality in different ways.

This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have commented to me saying, “I enjoy sex once we are 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, Wow! We should do this more often! But during the week, I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more sexual than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings.”

Others will say, “I enjoy sex more whenever I remember one or two affectionate things my husband has done.”

Most of us assume that our partners should act like we do. By recognizing that most men are down-to-earth with sex and most women are unthinking, and then by accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman’s type of sexual desire to ‘count’.

While nursing a baby, breastfeeding has a direct link to sexual frequency. A low sex drive is extremely common after childbirth, and even throughout the first year, particularly in breastfeeding women. Many couples do not realize the impact childbirth and breastfeeding can have on their sex life. Prolactin, the hormone that produces breast milk, also lowers sexual drive, though scientists still cannot tell us why till now.

Breastfeeding women frequently feel tired and overwhelmed during the early months of breastfeeding. Yet their husband’s sex drive has not lessened at all. In fact, most times, it’s usually on the highest intensity because; the presence of Prolactin hormone in a breastfeeding lady makes a woman look fresh, tender, and desirable.

Apart from the fact that the woman is tired, her attention usually shifts from him to the baby. Her diminished urge to touch, cuddle or have sex, may prompt increased pressure from him, which is typically counter-productive. The result is an increasing gap between what he wants and what she wants.

Many couples, whether breastfeeding or bottle feeding, are not prepared for the multiple changes each baby, especially the first, adds to their relationship. They believe they will pass over those first four to six weeks and then resume their sexual relationship without a hitch. These unrealistic expectations can lead to a great deal of disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

Libido does not usually ‘bounce back’ to the pre-pregnancy stage until several months after a mom quits breastfeeding – sometimes as long as one year after stopping. If couples realize this is common, it might help to discuss when exactly to stop, the pros and cons of breastfeeding and bottle feeding, and the adjustments required to adapt as a couple through this time.

Seven: Never forget that there is a thin line between a turn-on and turn-off and that the best sex occurs when a partner knows the difference. You can call them ‘brakes’ and ‘accelerators’. Your sexuality is like driving a car. You cannot really go far and fast if you are driving with your foot on the brake simultaneously.

Sexual brakes are those things that hinder your arousal or enjoyment of sex. Some common examples include making love when you are exhausted, when a man has anxiety of performance, or is plagued by weak erection, premature ejaculation, quick ejaculation, erectile dysfunction that has defiled all medical or synthetic solutions, low libido that is making the man feel less than a man,   competing with invisible ex-sex partners, or trying to be sexually intimate when your in-laws are staying in the bedroom next door, or when there is just not enough security and privacy.

Sexual accelerators are those things that lead to greater interest and arousal. Some might be feeling rested and relaxed, sharing compliments and affirmations about each other’s character and body, or daydreaming about positive sexual experiences with one’s spouse. But some of the biggest problems come when one spouse thinks he is accelerating, while his mate is feeling the brakes.

Eight: Never forget that the other partner may be having one sexual health challenge or the other that needs the understanding and support of the other spouse. One big truth we cannot shy away from is the fact that every couple will face a sexual problem at one point or the other during their marriage, especially as they age. In fact, some estimates say 80 percent of couples will experience a sexual problem so significant. Hurts, depression, grief, stress, medications, illness, exhaustion, pregnancy and childbirth, parenting, spiritual issues, trauma, hormones, diet, lack of exercise (or overdoing strenuous exercise), injury… so many things affect our sexuality! Add to that the reality that all marriages will experience conflict. Since sexual intimacy is one of the first arenas that marital conflict harms, it is safe to say all couples will have to solve a problem that will have to do with their sex lives at some point. So, couples cannot afford to be ignorant about some sexual basics.

Nine: Never forget that healthy sex between married lovers has a whole lot of benefits. It lowers blood pressure and overall stress reduction, according to researchers from Scotland who reported their findings in the journal of Biological Psychology. They studied 24 married women and 22 married men who kept records of their sexual activities. The researchers subjected them to stressful situations-such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic – and noted their blood pressure response to stress. Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviour or abstinence. Another study published in the same journal found that frequent intercourse was associated with lower diastolic blood pressure in cohabiting participants. Yet other researchers found a link between partner hugs and lowered blood pressure in women.

Ten: Also remember that good sexual health may mean better physical health. Having sex once or twice a week have been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect one from getting colds and other infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., took samples of saliva, which contain IgA, from 112 college students who reported the frequency of sex they had. Those in the “frequent” group – once or twice a week – had higher levels of IgA than those in the other three groups who reported abstinence, having sex less than once a week, or having it very often – three or more times weekly.

Eleven: Never forget that just thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up. Forty-two half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions. “Sex is a great mode of exercise,” says Patti Britton, PhD, a Los Angeles sexologist and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists. It takes work, from both a physical and psychological perspective, to do it well, she says.

Twelve: As married lovers grow old with great sex, it improves all their cardiovascular health issues. While some older folks may worry that the efforts expended during sex could cause stroke, that is not so, according to researchers from England. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20years. And the cardiovascular health benefits of sex do not end there. The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.

Questions and answers

How long does it last for?

How long does intercourse typically last for most couples and how many calories can a couple burn having sex?  What is the smallest penis ever recorded?

Mr. Ayantu from Lekki

Hi, sexual intercourse lasts from three to thirteen minutes. According to studies, calories lost during sex are about 300 calories per hour and the smallest penis is between fifth and eighth of an inch. But with the newly discovered Chinese herbs, husbands with small penis are now making merry.

The passion is just not there

I love my husband, but after several years together, the passion is just not there. How can I heat things up and make it new again?

The key word is ‘do something new.’Send him seductive sexy text messages or watch some erotic films together.  Some men’s testosterone peaks are between 7 and 8 a.m. so sleep naked by his side and gently place your hands on his penis; lightly tap up and down his shaft with your fingers like you’re playing a piano with one hand. This helps him get up and stay hard and the feel will arouse you. While seated together, slip your hands into his trousers, stroke down his length with one hand to make the skin taut and expose more nerve endings. Then wrap your other hand around the head of his penis and slide it up and down, his reaction will send you panting. Once in a while, spontaneously kiss your man for 10 seconds, this will make you feel a thousand times sexier, which will in turn, get you in the mood. Do something new and experience a lift.

Question five

My penile head rim and frenulum cut off badly

Hi Funmi, I am a 24-year-old man faced with an embarrassing situation. During my childhood circumcision, the penile head rim and the frenulum of my penis were cut off which makes my penis head much smaller than the body of my penis, the sight of this makes me not so very confident enough to approach any lady for sex. Because I am afraid any woman seeing this will definitely be disgusted with the sight of my manhood, the bad circumcision makes my manhood look scary. My question is: can any woman really love and accept me for the way my manhood appears and also can I really enjoy good sexual relationship in marriage? Can this be an obstacle to my being able to impregnate a lady? Please help ma.

You are just okay for who you are and what you look like. When the right lady comes your way, your physical fault or deformity which is not caused by you will not affect her love for you. My main concern for you is for you to patiently look out for a good woman who would love you for who you are with or without a badly managed circumcision.

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